my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
