She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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