Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
