im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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