The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My vagina just recognized that song.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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