More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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