Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
