I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
