well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
