My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
