I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize