hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
