Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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