Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
