I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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