My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
