when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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