I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize