He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
