the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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