I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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