she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
