Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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