i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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