I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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