Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
