so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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