So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
