He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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