Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
