Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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