I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
