Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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