I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
