you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
