the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
