just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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