In the future we'll all be gay
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
