he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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