I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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