Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
