plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
