im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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