If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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