Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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