I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
