I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
