I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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