I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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