remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
