haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
