Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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