Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
