I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
