I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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