What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
