i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
