I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
