I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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