a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
