Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
