you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
