I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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