Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
