Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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