the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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