I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize